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00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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( music playing )

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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♪ All my friends ♪

5
00:00:23,010 --> 00:00:25,079
♪ Know the lowrider ♪

6
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♪ The lowrider ♪

7
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♪ Is a little higher ♪

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( music continues )

9
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- ( hoots )
- ( music ends )

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00:00:52,289 --> 00:00:55,210
Orale, Phoenix!

11
00:00:58,109 --> 00:01:01,179
Orale, HBO!

12
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Orale, raza!

13
00:01:09,140 --> 00:01:11,049
Let me say this
about immigration

14
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so you finally hear it
from a Latino.

15
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We ain't going
"nowheres," ey!

16
00:01:17,170 --> 00:01:20,060
No... "wheres"!

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The stupidest thing to do
is to assume

18
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that we're all from Mexico.

19
00:01:28,140 --> 00:01:31,000
( affected voice )
"Well, what part of Mexico
are your ancestors from?"

20
00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:33,060
( normal )
Los Angeles, bitch.

21
00:01:35,210 --> 00:01:38,039
I got a breathtaking view
of the King Taco.

22
00:01:38,039 --> 00:01:40,189
It's lovely.

23
00:01:40,189 --> 00:01:42,159
I watch people
get shanked every weekend.

24
00:01:42,159 --> 00:01:44,150
Ftt, ftt, ftt.

25
00:01:44,150 --> 00:01:46,069
My feet are cold.
Ay...

26
00:01:50,159 --> 00:01:52,099
If immigrations law pass,

27
00:01:52,099 --> 00:01:55,219
they say that 1.2
million Mexicans

28
00:01:55,219 --> 00:01:57,180
would have to go back
to Mexico. 1.2!

29
00:01:57,180 --> 00:02:01,000
¿Sabes qué?
That's seven quinceañeras.

30
00:02:03,140 --> 00:02:05,129
That ain't shit!

31
00:02:06,159 --> 00:02:09,060
That ain't shit!

32
00:02:09,060 --> 00:02:13,150
1.2?
That's seven quinceañeras
and two weddings.

33
00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:20,150
That'll never make a dent.
Batos, ¿sabes qué?

34
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( Hispanic accent )
Tía, they got me.
I gotta go back to Mexico.

35
00:02:24,259 --> 00:02:26,240
I got a smog check
and the guy saw me

36
00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:28,229
and they put a finger...

37
00:02:30,139 --> 00:02:32,240
I'll be right back, though.
Watch my plate.

38
00:02:39,069 --> 00:02:43,120
Tía, go like that
so flies don't get on it.

39
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( normal )
Let me ask you this,

40
00:02:49,189 --> 00:02:52,259
who do you think
is running this country?

41
00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:58,180
- Guess.
- ( mariachi music playing )

42
00:03:02,009 --> 00:03:04,199
( screams )

43
00:03:08,009 --> 00:03:10,099
Yeah!

44
00:03:11,189 --> 00:03:13,219
- ( music stops )
- That's who!

45
00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:16,009
Look at
all the white people.

46
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( affected voice )
I am so scared right now.

47
00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:19,069
I am...

48
00:03:21,180 --> 00:03:24,259
I am so scared.
I wanted to try to find
a guy to do tile,

49
00:03:24,259 --> 00:03:27,129
but now I'm afraid
to ask.

50
00:03:27,129 --> 00:03:29,099
I am so scared.

51
00:03:29,099 --> 00:03:31,199
The guy next to me
looks like he does drywall,

52
00:03:31,199 --> 00:03:33,170
but I'm...

53
00:03:33,170 --> 00:03:37,139
I am assuming right now
they are all gang-related.
Let's go.

54
00:03:40,170 --> 00:03:42,030
( normal )
You know what?

55
00:03:42,030 --> 00:03:44,250
White people don't even want
to talk to each other anymore.

56
00:03:44,250 --> 00:03:46,039
They send text messages.

57
00:03:46,039 --> 00:03:47,270
( affected voice )
Oh, my God.

58
00:03:49,079 --> 00:03:51,039
O-M-G.

59
00:03:51,289 --> 00:03:54,099
Oh, my God.
O-M-G.

60
00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:58,289
I came to the show
to maybe L-O-L.

61
00:04:03,069 --> 00:04:06,210
Maybe L-M-A-O.

62
00:04:06,210 --> 00:04:09,000
Laugh my ass off.

63
00:04:11,060 --> 00:04:15,069
And to kind of bond
and maybe we would be B-F-F.

64
00:04:16,129 --> 00:04:19,120
Best friends forever.

65
00:04:21,220 --> 00:04:23,180
( normal )
I wanna add one to the list.

66
00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:25,110
F-T-P.
You know what that means?

67
00:04:25,110 --> 00:04:27,129
"Fuck that puto."

68
00:04:28,170 --> 00:04:30,220
Fuck... that...

69
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puto!

70
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You wanna see how it works?

71
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President Bush...
fuck that puto!

72
00:04:40,220 --> 00:04:42,290
Fuck... that...

73
00:04:42,290 --> 00:04:44,230
puto!

74
00:04:47,170 --> 00:04:50,069
( affected voice )
Now I'm leaving.
Come on, Cameron, let's go.

75
00:04:51,220 --> 00:04:56,050
( normal )
President Bush has
got Latinos in his family!

76
00:04:56,050 --> 00:04:58,209
What the fuck?
They gotta go back
to where they came from, too?

77
00:05:00,019 --> 00:05:01,189
They don't know what
to do about illegal immigration.

78
00:05:01,189 --> 00:05:04,220
President Bush is like, "Uh,
we're gonna try the wall...
and the wall--"

79
00:05:04,220 --> 00:05:06,110
Now they want to dig a ditch

80
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and put alligators
in the ditch.

81
00:05:11,060 --> 00:05:12,259
I'm like,
"You know what, motherfucker?
Put alligators,

82
00:05:12,259 --> 00:05:15,120
in an hour
they'll be shoes and belts."

83
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Go for it.

84
00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:24,000
They'll be souvenirs
in an hour and a half.

85
00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:25,149
( Hispanic accent )
¿Señora, quiere comprarme
un cinto?

86
00:05:25,149 --> 00:05:27,129
Cocodrilo,
cocodrilo. Touch.

87
00:05:27,129 --> 00:05:28,290
Tócale, my friend.
What you want, my friend?

88
00:05:28,290 --> 00:05:31,139
Tócale, belts.
Cocodrilo, cocodrilo.

89
00:05:31,139 --> 00:05:33,269
You like?
For your sister, my friend?
Touch it, touch it. Touch it.

90
00:05:33,269 --> 00:05:36,029
Tócale, tócale,
tócale, tócale.

91
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Tócale.

92
00:05:37,259 --> 00:05:40,060
How much?
Eh, gimme $40.

93
00:05:41,050 --> 00:05:43,040
No? Okay, gimme five.

94
00:05:46,120 --> 00:05:50,090
( normal )
Fucking Latinos are some badass
business people, aren't they?

95
00:05:50,090 --> 00:05:52,090
They'll sell you
a blanket that's still warm.

96
00:05:52,090 --> 00:05:53,220
They don't give a shit.

97
00:05:59,029 --> 00:06:02,290
Governor Schwarzenegger...
fuck that puto!

98
00:06:04,029 --> 00:06:07,170
Fuck... that... puto!

99
00:06:07,170 --> 00:06:09,019
( affected voice )
F-T-P. I got it now.

100
00:06:09,019 --> 00:06:10,069
I got it!

101
00:06:10,069 --> 00:06:13,069
F-T-P, fuck that "pluto."
It's fantastic.

102
00:06:16,019 --> 00:06:19,250
( normal )
Governor Schwarzenegger
is for "English only."

103
00:06:19,250 --> 00:06:23,089
Okay, that's-- that's good,
but, you know, the problem
there is, motherfucker,

104
00:06:23,089 --> 00:06:25,029
you don't speak English.

105
00:06:27,199 --> 00:06:30,060
( speaking gibberish
in German accent )

106
00:06:37,069 --> 00:06:38,240
( normal )
I've had uncles who are drunk

107
00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:41,189
that I can understand better
than Arnold Schwarzenegger.

108
00:06:41,189 --> 00:06:42,230
( German accent )
I'll be back--

109
00:06:42,230 --> 00:06:44,100
If you want to leave,
get to the chopper!

110
00:06:44,100 --> 00:06:46,090
If you want to leave--
( speaks gibberish )

111
00:06:49,220 --> 00:06:52,220
( normal )
Arnold Schwarzenegger
being in favor of "English only"

112
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would be like
lesbians against pussy.

113
00:07:03,069 --> 00:07:05,000
Marching around with signs.

114
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Not twat!

115
00:07:07,129 --> 00:07:09,050
Not twat!

116
00:07:09,050 --> 00:07:11,139
Not twat!

117
00:07:16,089 --> 00:07:18,149
I've had uncles
that were just blistered--

118
00:07:18,149 --> 00:07:20,180
( mumbling in Spanish )

119
00:07:23,199 --> 00:07:25,029
I could understand
them better.

120
00:07:25,029 --> 00:07:27,079
( Hispanic accent )
Oh, he wants a beer.
Lemme go get it.

121
00:07:31,259 --> 00:07:34,170
( normal )
And Arnold Schwarzenegger
broke his leg skiing.

122
00:07:34,170 --> 00:07:36,090
Nice.

123
00:07:36,090 --> 00:07:37,220
Let me tell you what
my grandmother would tell me...

124
00:07:37,220 --> 00:07:40,209
( imitates grandmother )
Fucking go faster.
Go fast--

125
00:07:40,209 --> 00:07:43,250
So you can break your
fucking head wide open.
Go faster!

126
00:07:45,159 --> 00:07:48,159
( German accent )
I was going down the hill--
( speaks gibberish )

127
00:07:56,060 --> 00:07:57,220
( normal )
Let me tell you this--

128
00:08:02,019 --> 00:08:03,209
( crows )

129
00:08:07,029 --> 00:08:09,060
Ppt.

130
00:08:09,060 --> 00:08:11,000
Let me tell you this,
he broke his leg skiing--

131
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:12,149
that is not gonna happen
to Latinos.

132
00:08:12,149 --> 00:08:15,129
We'll never
break our leg skiing.

133
00:08:15,129 --> 00:08:19,060
If we go downhill,
it's usually because
San Diego's right there.

134
00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:24,120
And we'll run with a broken leg.
"Wait for me, tía!"

135
00:08:25,079 --> 00:08:26,269
Fucking shit!

136
00:08:30,259 --> 00:08:32,129
We don't go for
the extreme sports.

137
00:08:32,129 --> 00:08:33,269
You know what? Taking a walk
in our neighborhood

138
00:08:33,269 --> 00:08:36,190
is a fucking extreme sport.

139
00:08:36,190 --> 00:08:38,240
( affected voice )
C'mon, dude, let's go
snowboarding.

140
00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:41,039
We'll do a half-pipe.

141
00:08:41,039 --> 00:08:43,009
( Hispanic accent )
No, you batos go.
I'ma be in the car.

142
00:08:43,009 --> 00:08:45,019
I'ma do a half-pipe,
too, watcha.

143
00:08:46,250 --> 00:08:48,139
( stifled laugh )

144
00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:56,149
( normal )
You could vote English
as the official language,

145
00:08:56,149 --> 00:08:58,059
but it'll never work

146
00:08:58,059 --> 00:09:00,210
because we're always
gonna speak Spanglish.

147
00:09:02,049 --> 00:09:04,169
It's too late!

148
00:09:04,169 --> 00:09:07,210
That's all we've talked
in our house for years.

149
00:09:07,210 --> 00:09:09,080
¿Qué pasó, tía?

150
00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:10,259
( imitates woman )
I went to the store
to buy those zapatos

151
00:09:10,259 --> 00:09:12,279
that I like,
pero estaban gone.

152
00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:18,120
( normal )
¿Los shoes amarillos?

153
00:09:18,120 --> 00:09:21,100
( imitates woman )
Sí, estaban todos sold out.

154
00:09:24,029 --> 00:09:26,120
And I even "hided" them, too.

155
00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:33,059
( normal )
You remember hiding shit you
couldn't afford to buy that day?

156
00:09:33,059 --> 00:09:35,200
( Hispanic accent )
You take the shoe,
I'ma put 'em over here, mira.

157
00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:39,190
I'll make a mark right there
so they know.

158
00:09:42,149 --> 00:09:43,289
( normal )
Then you come back Saturday
when you got money.

159
00:09:43,289 --> 00:09:46,009
( Hispanic accent )
Whatcha? Hey. ( whistles )

160
00:09:48,110 --> 00:09:50,049
( whistles )

161
00:09:54,179 --> 00:09:56,070
( normal )
We'll always speak
English and Spanish.

162
00:09:56,070 --> 00:09:58,200
My grandfather used to yell
at me in Spanish

163
00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:01,029
and I would yell
at him back in English.

164
00:10:01,029 --> 00:10:02,240
( shouts with accent )
Tira la basura, cabrón!

165
00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:04,250
( affected voice )
I am!

166
00:10:06,110 --> 00:10:10,049
For God's sakes,
déjame en paz!

167
00:10:11,100 --> 00:10:13,100
Cripes!

168
00:10:13,100 --> 00:10:15,279
" Higo de la chingada!"

169
00:10:18,279 --> 00:10:23,100
You heard me.
Higo-- H-D-L-J.

170
00:10:24,070 --> 00:10:27,000
"Higo de la chingada."

171
00:10:29,159 --> 00:10:30,210
( normal )
And let me tell you this,

172
00:10:30,210 --> 00:10:32,259
success even
surprises Latinos.

173
00:10:32,259 --> 00:10:34,159
You know, like, I was in a hotel

174
00:10:34,159 --> 00:10:36,149
and I stay
in the Presidential Suite--

175
00:10:36,149 --> 00:10:39,009
( imitates grandmother )
"Mira, muy chingón,
the Presidential Suite."

176
00:10:43,019 --> 00:10:45,120
Thank you for being proud.

177
00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:47,169
So they knock
on the door-- the lady--

178
00:10:47,169 --> 00:10:48,289
( imitates Hispanic woman )
Housekeeping!

179
00:10:48,289 --> 00:10:52,029
I open the door,
"Oh, he's already
cleaned the room."

180
00:11:00,250 --> 00:11:03,289
"Gloria, never mind,
he's already cleaned that room!

181
00:11:04,289 --> 00:11:07,259
Parece a skinny Erik Estrada."

182
00:11:11,259 --> 00:11:14,009
( normal )
Let me tell you this,
be nice to everybody

183
00:11:14,009 --> 00:11:16,190
because when I was 17,
I saw Erik Estrada in
my neighborhood--

184
00:11:16,190 --> 00:11:18,000
they were filming "CHiPs."

185
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:20,210
I went to go shake his hand,
he wouldn't shake my hand.

186
00:11:20,210 --> 00:11:22,250
So, be nice because
30 years later,

187
00:11:22,250 --> 00:11:24,009
that kid--
you didn't shake his hand--

188
00:11:24,009 --> 00:11:26,080
might have a HBO special
and say this...

189
00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:29,179
Erik Estrada...
fuck that puto!

190
00:11:30,230 --> 00:11:32,159
Fuck... that...

191
00:11:32,159 --> 00:11:34,120
puto!

192
00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:38,000
30 years, motherfucker,
there's your wake-up call.

193
00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:39,240
Fuck you!

194
00:11:41,090 --> 00:11:43,159
I made it without
your fucking handshake, puto.

195
00:11:43,159 --> 00:11:45,200
Fuck you.

196
00:11:50,110 --> 00:11:53,019
What's he gonna do to me?
I don't wanna buy swampland.

197
00:11:56,070 --> 00:11:58,029
( bad Hispanic accent )
"Tú puedes comprar 'landia'

198
00:11:58,029 --> 00:12:01,120
para cinco centavos
todo los días."

199
00:12:03,059 --> 00:12:06,039
Fucking armed and puto,
that oughta be his name.

200
00:12:09,279 --> 00:12:11,159
Let me say this,

201
00:12:11,159 --> 00:12:13,220
the country is not
what you thought it was.

202
00:12:13,220 --> 00:12:16,220
Everything that you
touch, first, Latinos touched.

203
00:12:16,220 --> 00:12:19,169
We're there every day early.

204
00:12:19,169 --> 00:12:21,159
Everything you touch--
let me give you some examples.

205
00:12:21,159 --> 00:12:24,259
Taco Bell had some
tainted green onions--

206
00:12:24,259 --> 00:12:26,230
( affected voice )
Oh, God.

207
00:12:26,230 --> 00:12:29,070
I got E. coli from them.

208
00:12:30,179 --> 00:12:32,110
( normal )
Some tainted green onions

209
00:12:32,110 --> 00:12:35,019
showed up at Taco Bell.
Okay, white people get E. coli,

210
00:12:35,019 --> 00:12:37,110
the whole world fucking stops.

211
00:12:37,110 --> 00:12:39,100
Who picks the onions?

212
00:12:41,129 --> 00:12:43,070
Latinos.

213
00:12:43,070 --> 00:12:46,070
You talk shit about us,
it gets down to the fields.

214
00:12:50,220 --> 00:12:53,220
( Hispanic accent )
I didn't hear you, what did
they say about us?

215
00:12:53,220 --> 00:12:56,259
They don't want us here,
we're lazy, and we're
depleting the system?

216
00:12:56,259 --> 00:12:58,220
Oh, yeah?
Mira, ¿quieren onions?

217
00:12:58,220 --> 00:13:00,070
Mira, cabrón.

218
00:13:04,210 --> 00:13:07,100
Hasta en el culo, guey.

219
00:13:07,100 --> 00:13:10,009
Here, take that shit
to Taco Bell. Take it!

220
00:13:11,049 --> 00:13:13,059
There's your chalupa
right there.

221
00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:16,009
Here, let me pull
some hairs. Ay!

222
00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:20,259
From my culo hair.
Ay! There. Better.

223
00:13:23,049 --> 00:13:25,139
Think outside the bun.
There.

224
00:13:32,059 --> 00:13:34,179
( normal )
We don't fucking eat there,
what do I care?

225
00:13:35,289 --> 00:13:37,139
But then somebody
gets E. coli--

226
00:13:37,139 --> 00:13:39,139
( affected voice )
I have E. coli.

227
00:13:40,139 --> 00:13:42,129
I couldn't go to Pilates...

228
00:13:44,169 --> 00:13:47,169
'cause I had the squirts.
I'm so...

229
00:13:47,169 --> 00:13:50,100
hot and I'm depleted...

230
00:13:50,100 --> 00:13:52,259
'cause I have E. coli.

231
00:13:52,259 --> 00:13:54,149
( normal )
You know, Latinos don't
get E. coli.

232
00:13:54,149 --> 00:13:57,240
You know what we get?
Chorro, that's what we get.

233
00:13:57,240 --> 00:13:59,220
The shits.

234
00:13:59,220 --> 00:14:01,110
( imitates fart )

235
00:14:04,100 --> 00:14:06,269
Seven weeks
and it don't wanna stop.
( imitates fart )

236
00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:11,220
Now it's just water
and corn, chinga.

237
00:14:18,009 --> 00:14:22,110
Tengo E. coli.
¿Estás loco? Y que
tienes E. coli.

238
00:14:22,110 --> 00:14:25,039
I ate the same shit
and nothing happened
to me, fucking liar!

239
00:14:28,210 --> 00:14:32,000
( normal )
First it started
with bad spinach.

240
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:33,289
That was us, too.

241
00:14:37,190 --> 00:14:40,279
You're gonna pay us $3 an hour,
we're not gonna wash it, too.

242
00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:44,120
And if we wash it,
you're not gonna like the water.

243
00:14:47,009 --> 00:14:49,259
And they peel all the skin back
to get all the water.

244
00:14:54,110 --> 00:14:56,269
Old school.
Remember that? Old school?

245
00:14:58,009 --> 00:14:59,049
Look at the white dudes.

246
00:14:59,049 --> 00:15:00,179
( affected voice )
No, I don't, actually.

247
00:15:00,179 --> 00:15:03,039
That's incredibly
unsanitary for you.

248
00:15:03,039 --> 00:15:06,039
I don't know if you're aware
that you could build up smegma.

249
00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:12,259
( normal )
Everything you touch,

250
00:15:12,259 --> 00:15:14,149
we touched first.

251
00:15:14,149 --> 00:15:16,039
That's why we're here.

252
00:15:16,039 --> 00:15:18,259
Chevy couldn't be
more confused.

253
00:15:18,259 --> 00:15:20,190
Their slogan right now is,

254
00:15:20,190 --> 00:15:22,259
"This is our country."

255
00:15:22,259 --> 00:15:25,080
Uh...

256
00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:28,190
I don't think
it's your country anymore.

257
00:15:28,190 --> 00:15:30,009
You wanna know
whose country it is?

258
00:15:30,009 --> 00:15:33,090
- Guess.
- ( mariachi music playing )

259
00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:40,039
( yells )

260
00:15:40,039 --> 00:15:41,200
( music stops )

261
00:15:42,169 --> 00:15:44,100
Not no "mores"!

262
00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:49,080
And mariachi music
is the heart and blood

263
00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:51,129
of the Mexican people.
That music right there--

264
00:15:55,009 --> 00:15:58,279
When I was little, it sounded
like house cleaning music.

265
00:15:58,279 --> 00:16:02,139
Every time I heard that shit--
"I gotta go vacuum,
son of a bitch."

266
00:16:05,100 --> 00:16:07,250
But once you're drunk,
that shit--

267
00:16:08,259 --> 00:16:11,009
( crying )
Ay...

268
00:16:11,009 --> 00:16:12,279
( yells )
Ay!

269
00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:16,250
White people
don't have that shit.
What do they have?

270
00:16:16,250 --> 00:16:19,000
♪ You spin me right 'round ♪

271
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:21,139
♪ Baby, right 'round ♪

272
00:16:21,139 --> 00:16:23,000
♪ Right 'round,
'round, 'round ♪

273
00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:26,000
♪ You spin me
right 'round, baby... ♪

274
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:27,029
( affected voice )
Oh, my God! My song!

275
00:16:27,029 --> 00:16:29,059
♪ ...like a record,
baby... ♪

276
00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:32,250
( normal )
Más puto.

277
00:16:35,179 --> 00:16:38,200
Latinos think
anything done correctly

278
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:40,080
is gay.

279
00:16:43,039 --> 00:16:46,220
And not "gay," but más puto,
which is really gay.

280
00:16:47,169 --> 00:16:50,110
That's puto squared.

281
00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:52,100
Más puto.

282
00:16:52,100 --> 00:16:54,110
Like if you're a guy
and you're walking a dog

283
00:16:54,110 --> 00:16:56,100
by yourself on a leash...

284
00:16:57,179 --> 00:16:59,129
Más puto.

285
00:17:07,049 --> 00:17:09,170
( affected voice )
Come on, Biscuit,
he doesn't understand.

286
00:17:11,019 --> 00:17:13,029
( normal )
And if you're carrying
some plastic bags

287
00:17:13,029 --> 00:17:16,119
to pick up your dog's shit...
más puto!

288
00:17:16,119 --> 00:17:17,259
Good dog.

289
00:17:20,140 --> 00:17:21,230
What do you think
the dog's thinking?

290
00:17:21,230 --> 00:17:23,279
"Motherfucker,
I didn't know you wanted it.

291
00:17:24,269 --> 00:17:26,190
I would've shit at the house!

292
00:17:27,289 --> 00:17:30,119
There's some shit under
the bed you haven't found.

293
00:17:31,250 --> 00:17:34,000
If you're collecting it,
bato, I'll help you out."

294
00:17:37,170 --> 00:17:38,250
You could not look gayer--

295
00:17:38,250 --> 00:17:41,039
I don't know if Starbucks
did it by design--

296
00:17:41,039 --> 00:17:42,289
but if you walk
with a Starbucks tray,

297
00:17:42,289 --> 00:17:45,069
no one can look cool.

298
00:17:45,069 --> 00:17:47,140
It's little and you gotta
hold it up here.

299
00:17:47,140 --> 00:17:48,289
You're walking...

300
00:17:53,019 --> 00:17:54,240
Más puto.

301
00:17:55,259 --> 00:17:56,259
You might as well be
walking around

302
00:17:56,259 --> 00:17:59,000
with a dick in your mouth.

303
00:18:04,119 --> 00:18:07,079
And if you got a Bluetooth on
while you're doing it...

304
00:18:09,099 --> 00:18:10,240
Wow.

305
00:18:11,289 --> 00:18:14,160
Get another dick
and put it in your ass.

306
00:18:17,190 --> 00:18:19,119
Look at the guy with the--

307
00:18:20,190 --> 00:18:22,109
"Turn that shit."

308
00:18:24,069 --> 00:18:26,150
It would be flashing,
"I'm a puto. I'm a puto.

309
00:18:26,150 --> 00:18:28,079
I'm a puto."

310
00:18:28,079 --> 00:18:29,289
( speaking gibberish
in German accent )

311
00:18:31,029 --> 00:18:33,119
♪ You spin me
right 'round, baby ♪

312
00:18:33,119 --> 00:18:34,240
♪ Right 'round... ♪

313
00:18:39,250 --> 00:18:43,009
We're not built that way.

314
00:18:43,009 --> 00:18:44,230
We're different people.

315
00:18:44,230 --> 00:18:47,140
Negativity drives the culture.

316
00:18:47,140 --> 00:18:50,160
Latinos are driven
by negativity.

317
00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:52,160
How many times you wanted
to go to a party you're like,

318
00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:54,069
"Nah, I don't feel like going."
The next morning you found out,

319
00:18:54,069 --> 00:18:56,250
"Hey, you should have went,
bato, three people got shot!"

320
00:18:58,170 --> 00:19:00,160
Fuck, I should have gone.

321
00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:03,109
I got a feeling
somebody was gonna get killed,

322
00:19:03,109 --> 00:19:05,000
but I didn't believe it!

323
00:19:08,250 --> 00:19:10,240
And now it's all about
self-esteem.

324
00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:13,009
If you have kids,
you have to sign paperwork--

325
00:19:13,009 --> 00:19:14,180
if they play organized sports--

326
00:19:14,180 --> 00:19:17,220
that says that you'll only
yell out encouraging things

327
00:19:17,220 --> 00:19:21,089
to promote self-esteem--
más puto.

328
00:19:25,019 --> 00:19:28,059
( affected voice )
Now you see parents yelling,
"It's okay, Cameron,

329
00:19:28,059 --> 00:19:30,210
don't worry, you're still
getting a trophy.

330
00:19:30,210 --> 00:19:32,190
You're fantastic.

331
00:19:32,190 --> 00:19:35,099
We are all
your support system.

332
00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:38,119
O-M-G."

333
00:19:40,150 --> 00:19:42,099
What did our parents yell
when they came to see us?

334
00:19:42,099 --> 00:19:44,000
( yelling with accent )
Fucking shit-- hey!

335
00:19:45,039 --> 00:19:47,160
Open your fucking eyes!

336
00:19:48,130 --> 00:19:49,259
Get it!

337
00:19:51,009 --> 00:19:52,109
Get it!

338
00:19:53,140 --> 00:19:54,170
Look at that stupid
son of a bitch.

339
00:19:54,170 --> 00:19:57,009
He don't know how to catch.

340
00:19:57,009 --> 00:20:00,190
Cómo que you don't know how?
You should have told me
$100 ago!

341
00:20:02,190 --> 00:20:04,069
Fucking shit!

342
00:20:05,099 --> 00:20:07,009
Hold my purse,
I'm gonna go get him.

343
00:20:08,079 --> 00:20:10,180
Oh, now you run fast,
huh, son of a bitch?

344
00:20:19,089 --> 00:20:22,130
( normal )
Kids-- oh, again?

345
00:20:22,130 --> 00:20:25,240
We're live on HBO!

346
00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:27,269
( crows )

347
00:20:27,269 --> 00:20:30,200
Do I look scared? Chale.

348
00:20:34,269 --> 00:20:38,059
Kids today cannot last
like we did.

349
00:20:38,059 --> 00:20:43,029
The kids today wouldn't last
one motherfucking day
of our childhoods.

350
00:20:47,130 --> 00:20:49,279
- "I'm bored."
- ( thuds )

351
00:20:55,089 --> 00:20:58,059
There. Spend
the whole day recovering.

352
00:20:58,059 --> 00:20:59,190
Son of a bitch.

353
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:08,230
Allowance.
What the fuck is that!

354
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:11,230
I could have never gone
to my grandmother,

355
00:21:11,230 --> 00:21:13,019
"Grandma...

356
00:21:19,170 --> 00:21:21,009
Ay!

357
00:21:22,269 --> 00:21:25,119
- Can I have my allowance?"
- ( imitates woman )
Son of a bitch.

358
00:21:25,119 --> 00:21:27,099
Míralo.

359
00:21:27,099 --> 00:21:31,039
You want your allowance?
Mira, cabrón, I allow
you to live.

360
00:21:33,059 --> 00:21:35,259
I allow you to live.

361
00:21:35,259 --> 00:21:38,099
Míralo, get the hell outta
here before I kill you.

362
00:21:41,079 --> 00:21:45,079
An allowance...
they don't-- you know what?

363
00:21:45,079 --> 00:21:50,099
These kids wouldn't last--
I used to kill flies
for entertainment.

364
00:21:50,099 --> 00:21:51,220
Chasing it with
a rolled-up newspaper.

365
00:21:51,220 --> 00:21:53,099
( buzzing )

366
00:21:54,140 --> 00:21:56,269
I'ma kill you when I get you.

367
00:21:56,269 --> 00:21:58,039
And you'd get them
and torture them.

368
00:21:58,039 --> 00:22:00,170
( buzzing )

369
00:22:00,170 --> 00:22:03,049
With the fly guts,
"Hey, I got him. Mira."

370
00:22:05,099 --> 00:22:08,000
They wouldn't last one day.

371
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:10,029
My grandmother wouldn't even
give me a whole popsicle.

372
00:22:10,029 --> 00:22:12,180
That's how fucking tight
she was.

373
00:22:12,180 --> 00:22:14,250
( imitates grandmother )
Hey! Come over here, cabrón.

374
00:22:21,220 --> 00:22:24,230
( imitates child )
Can never do nothing
in this house!

375
00:22:27,180 --> 00:22:28,259
( imitates grandmother )
You want a snow cone?

376
00:22:28,259 --> 00:22:30,140
Mira, you don't buy one. Hey!

377
00:22:30,140 --> 00:22:34,009
Go to the freezer and get a fork
and scrape the ice.

378
00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:39,190
And put some 7-Up,
it's the same thing!

379
00:22:41,150 --> 00:22:45,009
Why you crying now?
It's the same thing!

380
00:22:47,250 --> 00:22:49,079
( normal )
They used to take
you to the store,

381
00:22:49,079 --> 00:22:52,019
but never buy you shit.
How did that work?

382
00:22:52,019 --> 00:22:56,000
"Then why am I here?"
And they would yell at you
when you got out of the car.

383
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:57,069
( imitates parent )
And don't be asking
me for shit

384
00:22:57,069 --> 00:22:59,250
because I ain't buying you
a goddamn thing.

385
00:22:59,250 --> 00:23:03,000
You listen, take that face--
I'll slap that face right off.

386
00:23:06,009 --> 00:23:09,190
¿Qué pasó?
I'm bleeding and he wants a toy.

387
00:23:10,250 --> 00:23:13,170
I came to buy Kotex
and he wants a toy.

388
00:23:13,170 --> 00:23:14,259
Selfish.

389
00:23:16,089 --> 00:23:19,140
I'm bleeding, y quiere
un rocket. Beautiful.

390
00:23:21,150 --> 00:23:23,049
Ungrateful.

391
00:23:25,019 --> 00:23:27,180
( normal )
They wouldn't last one day.

392
00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:29,250
First of all,
my daughter's 10,

393
00:23:29,250 --> 00:23:31,180
she gets bedtime stories
every night.

394
00:23:31,180 --> 00:23:33,160
( affected voice )
And then we're gonna
read "Harry Potter."

395
00:23:35,049 --> 00:23:38,230
It's getting so good.
We're gonna see what happens
to "Herniney."

396
00:23:40,059 --> 00:23:42,190
( normal )
My grandmother,
no bedtime stories.

397
00:23:42,190 --> 00:23:44,140
Just...

398
00:23:46,059 --> 00:23:48,069
( imitates grandmother )
I'm not gonna tell you again.

399
00:23:48,069 --> 00:23:51,109
Go to sleep.

400
00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:55,230
I will put you to sleep.
Go...

401
00:23:55,230 --> 00:23:57,039
...to sleep.
You think I'm playing?

402
00:23:57,039 --> 00:23:59,190
Síguele, cabrón.
Síguele. I'll--

403
00:24:01,140 --> 00:24:02,289
Want me to go get
the good night juice?

404
00:24:02,289 --> 00:24:04,130
Go--

405
00:24:05,289 --> 00:24:07,289
You know the Benadryl?
Toma, cabrón.

406
00:24:07,289 --> 00:24:10,180
Drink it.
I'm tired of your shit.

407
00:24:10,180 --> 00:24:12,150
I'll drink one with you.

408
00:24:13,170 --> 00:24:16,109
11 is your record.
Eight, nine--

409
00:24:16,109 --> 00:24:18,059
drink it, pussy.

410
00:24:25,180 --> 00:24:27,140
( normal )
I don't wanna sleep!

411
00:24:30,099 --> 00:24:33,160
You know what
bedtime story we got?
The same one every time.

412
00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:34,220
( imitates grandmother )
Okay, you want a bedtime
story, cabrón?

413
00:24:34,220 --> 00:24:37,029
Mira, I'ma tell you.

414
00:24:37,029 --> 00:24:39,180
Once upon a land--
whatever they say--

415
00:24:40,289 --> 00:24:42,200
faraway tale.

416
00:24:43,269 --> 00:24:46,000
Mira, cabrón.
Once upon a time...

417
00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:48,250
a long time ago...

418
00:24:48,250 --> 00:24:50,119
weeks...

419
00:24:52,109 --> 00:24:55,259
there was a lady
who drowned her kids.

420
00:25:01,039 --> 00:25:04,089
"La Llorona."
"La Llorona."

421
00:25:06,210 --> 00:25:08,150
You want me to get her?

422
00:25:08,150 --> 00:25:11,130
I'll go get her.
Then go to sleep!

423
00:25:12,069 --> 00:25:14,019
She's carpooling
with the Cucuy.

424
00:25:14,019 --> 00:25:15,289
I'll go get her.

425
00:25:20,059 --> 00:25:23,190
And the Chupacabra.
I'll go get all three of them.

426
00:25:23,190 --> 00:25:25,119
Three for one.

427
00:25:27,049 --> 00:25:30,190
Want me to show you
a picture of Britney Spears
getting out of the car?

428
00:25:30,190 --> 00:25:32,230
Go--

429
00:25:38,220 --> 00:25:41,240
I didn't think you could
make panocha look bad,

430
00:25:43,230 --> 00:25:45,119
but I was wrong.

431
00:25:46,250 --> 00:25:48,279
Oh.

432
00:25:48,279 --> 00:25:50,180
That looked like roast beef
thrown on the wall.

433
00:25:56,230 --> 00:25:58,029
( gags )

434
00:26:00,069 --> 00:26:02,069
I should sue her
because since I saw the picture,

435
00:26:02,069 --> 00:26:04,029
I can't go to Quiznos.

436
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:07,089
( gags )

437
00:26:08,099 --> 00:26:10,240
It's toasted!
( gagging )

438
00:26:12,170 --> 00:26:13,259
( imitates fart )

439
00:26:17,099 --> 00:26:18,289
That's gacho, man.

440
00:26:22,150 --> 00:26:24,240
Fucking Latinos shave
their heads every day,

441
00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:27,059
doesn't make the news.

442
00:26:27,059 --> 00:26:30,220
One crazy-ass white bitch
does it, it's all over
the place.

443
00:26:34,279 --> 00:26:37,029
You know what?
Maybe she had lice.

444
00:26:39,210 --> 00:26:41,200
'Cause I know in our house
you couldn't scratch your head.

445
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:44,130
The next thing you were
in the front yard--
( buzzing )

446
00:26:46,039 --> 00:26:47,200
( imitates woman )
And you're sleeping
on my blanket, the good one!

447
00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:49,160
( thuds )
( buzzing )

448
00:26:50,289 --> 00:26:52,250
( normal )
I feel blood!

449
00:26:59,049 --> 00:27:02,009
White people
get in some crazy shit.

450
00:27:02,009 --> 00:27:03,269
Anna Nicole Smith has two dudes

451
00:27:03,269 --> 00:27:06,039
going to court
claiming to be the father.

452
00:27:06,039 --> 00:27:08,119
That shit is crazy to Latinos.

453
00:27:12,029 --> 00:27:14,049
( affected voice )
I'm the father!
No, I'm the father!

454
00:27:14,049 --> 00:27:16,140
( normal )
That shit will never
happen to us.

455
00:27:18,019 --> 00:27:20,240
( Hispanic accent )
Hey, ¿sabes qué?
Hey, that's my kid.

456
00:27:20,240 --> 00:27:22,069
Fuck, what am I saying?

457
00:27:26,269 --> 00:27:29,099
Different shit.

458
00:27:29,099 --> 00:27:31,009
And we're raised
with fear, so we can--

459
00:27:31,009 --> 00:27:33,200
we can be around any environment
and not freak out.

460
00:27:33,200 --> 00:27:35,259
You know what I mean?
When we're kids,

461
00:27:35,259 --> 00:27:37,259
you know we get on rides
when we're three

462
00:27:37,259 --> 00:27:40,069
that you have to be 12
to get on.

463
00:27:41,230 --> 00:27:44,160
They send you
into a bar to get your dad.

464
00:27:51,190 --> 00:27:53,140
( imitates child )
Cuco, they want us to go home--

465
00:27:53,140 --> 00:27:55,259
( imitates father )
Shuts! Shut your mouth, stupid!

466
00:27:57,069 --> 00:27:58,289
( imitates child )
I can never do nothing!

467
00:28:03,119 --> 00:28:07,009
( normal )
I couldn't swim and my
grandfather didn't give a shit.

468
00:28:07,009 --> 00:28:08,059
( imitates grandfather )
How come you're not swimming?

469
00:28:08,059 --> 00:28:09,130
( imitates child )
I don't know how.

470
00:28:09,130 --> 00:28:11,150
( imitates grandfather )
I didn't hear you, what?

471
00:28:11,150 --> 00:28:13,289
Come over here.
You don't know how?
Mira, cabrón, learn!

472
00:28:16,009 --> 00:28:18,190
Leave him.
Leave him!

473
00:28:20,019 --> 00:28:21,210
So that way, you learn.
Drink the whole pool,

474
00:28:21,210 --> 00:28:23,170
but you're gonna learn,
cabrón.

475
00:28:27,079 --> 00:28:29,269
And the kids today,
you try to explain to them

476
00:28:29,269 --> 00:28:31,109
what it was like
when we were kids.

477
00:28:31,109 --> 00:28:33,200
You might as well be talking
about the motherfucking Incas,

478
00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:36,049
they don't give a shit.

479
00:28:36,049 --> 00:28:38,000
You don't understand,
we were poor.

480
00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:39,109
( affected voice )
Why?

481
00:28:40,190 --> 00:28:43,130
Why were you guys poor?
Didn't you guys work?

482
00:28:46,119 --> 00:28:48,069
Cripe.

483
00:28:48,069 --> 00:28:50,000
( normal )
The kids today
wouldn't last one day.

484
00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:53,269
You know what?
They can't even put a DVD
back in the fucking case.

485
00:28:54,250 --> 00:28:56,279
Learn that shit first!

486
00:28:58,170 --> 00:28:59,279
I walk through the room...

487
00:29:00,289 --> 00:29:03,000
Fucking "Shaggy Dog."

488
00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:06,059
I almost got killed
by that "Shaggy Dog" DVD.

489
00:29:10,079 --> 00:29:12,049
And we don't have
the shit that they have.

490
00:29:12,049 --> 00:29:15,109
Go-Gurt...
( chuckles )

491
00:29:15,109 --> 00:29:17,099
( imitates child )
Mom, can I have a Go-Gurt?

492
00:29:19,059 --> 00:29:22,009
( normal )
Lunchables. What the fuck--
Lunchable?

493
00:29:23,259 --> 00:29:27,210
A juicebox. A juice... box!

494
00:29:27,210 --> 00:29:30,259
We fucking drank
from the manguera.

495
00:29:32,180 --> 00:29:34,160
The water hose.

496
00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:40,089
And on a hot day,
the first hour and a half
was hot water.

497
00:29:40,089 --> 00:29:41,180
( spits )

498
00:29:43,019 --> 00:29:44,250
I got scalded!

499
00:29:46,119 --> 00:29:49,190
Drinking water from the hose
and it would taste
like the hose.

500
00:29:49,190 --> 00:29:51,039
You didn't give a shit.

501
00:29:53,069 --> 00:29:54,259
Turn it off!

502
00:30:09,230 --> 00:30:11,240
I have a pool in my house
that I live in,

503
00:30:11,240 --> 00:30:13,140
but, you know what, I don't
need it, I never go in it.

504
00:30:13,140 --> 00:30:16,140
I needed a pool
when I was seven, not 45.

505
00:30:17,259 --> 00:30:19,220
What am I going to do now?
Float in it like a tonto?

506
00:30:19,220 --> 00:30:20,289
( laughs )

507
00:30:20,289 --> 00:30:24,049
( affected voice )
This is so much fun. Great.

508
00:30:25,180 --> 00:30:26,230
( normal )
When I was little,
we didn't have pools,

509
00:30:26,230 --> 00:30:28,289
what we would do--
shoot water in the air

510
00:30:28,289 --> 00:30:30,170
and run under it.

511
00:30:32,069 --> 00:30:33,150
Whoosh.

512
00:30:35,250 --> 00:30:37,170
Whoosh.

513
00:30:37,170 --> 00:30:39,190
( Hispanic accent )
Look at that stupid-ass kid.
Hey, Jerry's kid!

514
00:30:39,190 --> 00:30:41,109
Get your ass in here!

515
00:30:41,109 --> 00:30:43,230
Son of a bitch, like a tonto.
Like you're paying the bill.

516
00:30:43,230 --> 00:30:45,289
Get in here, "Water World."
Stupid-ass.

517
00:30:49,069 --> 00:30:50,160
( normal )
You know where I would swim?

518
00:30:50,160 --> 00:30:52,150
In the backyard--
in all of our backyards--

519
00:30:52,150 --> 00:30:54,180
the cement was always uneven

520
00:30:56,089 --> 00:30:59,049
and the water would collect
and that's where you would lay.

521
00:31:01,059 --> 00:31:03,230
( gurgles, coughing )

522
00:31:08,269 --> 00:31:12,230
We didn't have water wings
and arm pillows

523
00:31:12,230 --> 00:31:14,230
and an air vest hat.

524
00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:22,009
We didn't have any of that shit
and we still survived.

525
00:31:22,009 --> 00:31:24,099
You know what our Lunchable was?

526
00:31:24,099 --> 00:31:28,029
You know what our Lunchable was?
Two weenies on a fork.

527
00:31:31,130 --> 00:31:34,119
Over the stove.
( sizzling )

528
00:31:37,190 --> 00:31:40,230
With two corn tortillas
and some Tapatío sauce.

529
00:31:42,210 --> 00:31:44,210
That was our Lunchable.

530
00:31:46,099 --> 00:31:48,160
Then you would take the fork
and run it to the sink...

531
00:31:49,210 --> 00:31:51,190
put it in...
( imitates steam hissing )

532
00:31:52,170 --> 00:31:55,039
You "'member."
"'Member"?

533
00:31:56,029 --> 00:31:58,049
You don't "'member"?

534
00:31:58,049 --> 00:32:00,059
You "'member."

535
00:32:04,000 --> 00:32:06,000
That was ours
and that was the black fork.

536
00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:07,029
You couldn't use any other fork.

537
00:32:07,029 --> 00:32:08,160
( Hispanic accent )
Hey, cabrón...

538
00:32:08,160 --> 00:32:10,000
Mira, I'm not gonna
tell you again.

539
00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:12,210
Don't be blacking the forks.

540
00:32:12,210 --> 00:32:14,059
Simple.
What don't you get?

541
00:32:14,059 --> 00:32:16,200
Don't black the forks!

542
00:32:16,200 --> 00:32:18,279
Ya tenemos un black fork.
I don't need two.

543
00:32:18,279 --> 00:32:21,069
Do me a favor, respect my house

544
00:32:21,069 --> 00:32:24,170
and don't black my forks.

545
00:32:24,170 --> 00:32:25,289
Fucking shit!

546
00:32:27,109 --> 00:32:28,230
( normal )
That was my grandmother's
favorite word.

547
00:32:28,230 --> 00:32:30,069
"Fucking shit."

548
00:32:31,240 --> 00:32:34,150
She would be calm,
the key wouldn't fit
in the lock--

549
00:32:34,150 --> 00:32:36,150
Fucking shit!

550
00:32:36,150 --> 00:32:37,259
Grandma...

551
00:32:37,259 --> 00:32:40,130
Grandma...

552
00:32:40,130 --> 00:32:42,059
take it easy.

553
00:32:43,210 --> 00:32:46,200
And now me and my grandmother
fight because she has dementia

554
00:32:46,200 --> 00:32:50,000
and I take her
to the doctor-- you know
they have AMBER Alerts?

555
00:32:50,000 --> 00:32:52,259
She thinks
it's the same girl.

556
00:32:55,150 --> 00:32:56,269
Like we're on the freeway,
she's like,

557
00:32:56,269 --> 00:32:59,170
( imitates grandmother )
Mira, Amber got in
another car.

558
00:33:00,190 --> 00:33:03,099
Está más puta
que la chingada.

559
00:33:03,099 --> 00:33:05,029
What do her parents do?

560
00:33:05,029 --> 00:33:07,069
They let her get into
a different car every week.

561
00:33:08,109 --> 00:33:09,259
( normal )
That's not the same girl.

562
00:33:09,259 --> 00:33:12,240
( imitates grandmother )
Don't tell me-- the same girl,
Amber!

563
00:33:12,240 --> 00:33:15,160
( normal )
It's a different--
they just name it after--

564
00:33:15,160 --> 00:33:17,119
( imitates grandmother )
Mira, cabrón. You don't know
a fucking thing.

565
00:33:17,119 --> 00:33:19,240
You don't have my eyes,
cabrón, you don't see
what I see.

566
00:33:20,279 --> 00:33:22,210
¿Qué no dice Amber?
AMBER Alert!

567
00:33:22,210 --> 00:33:26,109
That girl's Amber.
Es puta! Sayin'!

568
00:33:26,109 --> 00:33:28,150
Fucking shit!

569
00:33:32,069 --> 00:33:34,049
( normal )
And my grandmother--
like a lot of Latinos

570
00:33:34,049 --> 00:33:35,230
are, you know,
racist towards, you know,

571
00:33:35,230 --> 00:33:38,039
different cultures--
black people, you know?

572
00:33:40,069 --> 00:33:42,160
Look at some people clap
other people...

573
00:33:44,160 --> 00:33:47,130
( affected voice )
I'm not gonna laugh yet.

574
00:33:47,130 --> 00:33:50,220
I'll withhold judgment
till I hear.

575
00:33:54,009 --> 00:33:57,099
( normal )
My gran-- see, my grandmother--
I had a girlfriend that was 13,

576
00:33:57,099 --> 00:33:59,079
she was black, she was
beautiful, I loved her.

577
00:33:59,079 --> 00:34:01,279
She had, you know,
little, like-- thank you--

578
00:34:01,279 --> 00:34:05,210
she had-- her tetas were like
stargazers, they went
up to the sky like,

579
00:34:05,210 --> 00:34:07,240
like horns.
( imitates horn )

580
00:34:12,260 --> 00:34:14,260
I didn't know
what to do with 'em,
I just wanted 'em.

581
00:34:14,260 --> 00:34:16,110
( slurps )

582
00:34:17,230 --> 00:34:19,159
So I'm walking home with her,
my grandmother sees me,

583
00:34:19,159 --> 00:34:21,150
and all she
has to do is honk.
( imitates car horn honking )

584
00:34:26,159 --> 00:34:30,090
( imitates grandmother )
Mira, fucking "Boogie Nights,"
get your ass home.

585
00:34:30,090 --> 00:34:32,179
Son of a bitch.
Míralo, Peaches and Herb.

586
00:34:32,179 --> 00:34:34,260
Hey, Herb!
Get your ass--

587
00:34:37,219 --> 00:34:40,219
Pinche Denzel.
Get your ass home!

588
00:34:43,199 --> 00:34:46,139
( normal )
You know the fucked-up part?
I was darker than her.

589
00:34:51,260 --> 00:34:54,110
So now my grandmother
has dementia.

590
00:34:54,110 --> 00:34:56,269
They don't know
where they are, right?
Dementia, you know?

591
00:34:56,269 --> 00:34:59,010
And she's on oxygen,
but it's not connected
to anything.

592
00:34:59,010 --> 00:35:00,150
She just wears the hose.

593
00:35:22,130 --> 00:35:24,260
But I won't put her
in a nursing home because
that's not what we do.

594
00:35:24,260 --> 00:35:26,079
That's not what
our culture does.

595
00:35:26,079 --> 00:35:28,039
Our culture-- that's right!

596
00:35:31,110 --> 00:35:34,159
Our culture does not allow
for us to put our relatives

597
00:35:34,159 --> 00:35:37,090
in nursing homes
or convalescent homes.

598
00:35:37,090 --> 00:35:38,239
That's not what we do.

599
00:35:38,239 --> 00:35:42,039
We keep them
in the house with us.

600
00:35:43,289 --> 00:35:46,239
They're in
the back of the house,
but they're in the house.

601
00:35:49,030 --> 00:35:52,030
They're in the Cucuy room
in the back.

602
00:35:52,030 --> 00:35:55,230
The one that's always
40 degrees colder than
any other room.

603
00:35:59,039 --> 00:36:01,190
And I told
my grandmother in 1988,
when my grandfather died,

604
00:36:01,190 --> 00:36:05,030
I said, "I will pay all your
bills, you will never have to
worry about another bill

605
00:36:05,030 --> 00:36:07,010
because I'm the man
of the house now.

606
00:36:07,010 --> 00:36:09,139
I'm the man.
I'll pay the bills."

607
00:36:10,199 --> 00:36:13,090
That was in 1988.

608
00:36:13,090 --> 00:36:15,289
I did not think the bitch
was gonna live this long.

609
00:36:20,110 --> 00:36:23,159
She won't die.
( imitates grandmother )
Why should I die? I got it nice.

610
00:36:25,250 --> 00:36:28,239
I'm gonna make
you pay, cabrón. Orale.

611
00:36:28,239 --> 00:36:31,050
TV star.
Chíngale, cabrón.

612
00:36:32,079 --> 00:36:33,190
( normal )
And she knows I'm on TV,

613
00:36:33,190 --> 00:36:37,039
but she thinks I'm Raymond
from "Everybody Loves Raymond."

614
00:36:37,039 --> 00:36:39,079
( imitates grandmother )
Raymond, get over here, cabrón.

615
00:36:40,150 --> 00:36:42,059
Where's "Boogie Nights"?

616
00:36:44,190 --> 00:36:46,289
( normal )
And now that she's old, she
needs round-the-clock nurses.

617
00:36:46,289 --> 00:36:49,159
So since she had problems
with black people when she
was younger...

618
00:36:49,159 --> 00:36:52,239
I decided to teach her a lesson
before she leaves Earth.

619
00:36:54,280 --> 00:36:59,179
So all her nurses are black.

620
00:36:59,179 --> 00:37:03,230
There's 12 and every one
is blacker than the other.

621
00:37:06,019 --> 00:37:09,000
The last two are almost purple,
that's how black they are.

622
00:37:11,000 --> 00:37:14,000
So that way, you learn!
So that way, you learn.

623
00:37:15,159 --> 00:37:17,119
And she'll call me up
'cause she don't know
their names,

624
00:37:17,119 --> 00:37:18,269
and she'll call
me up, I'm like,
"What's the matter now?"

625
00:37:18,269 --> 00:37:21,070
( imitates grandmother )
Diana Ross wants to
give me a bath.

626
00:37:23,289 --> 00:37:26,150
( normal ) Who?
( imitates grandmother )
Diana Ross!

627
00:37:26,150 --> 00:37:31,000
La negra que está
en mi casa me quiere
limpiar el culo... my panocha.

628
00:37:32,090 --> 00:37:35,050
I don't need the "Dreamgirls"
to clean my ass!

629
00:37:37,219 --> 00:37:39,090
( normal )
What?

630
00:37:41,010 --> 00:37:42,139
Five minutes later,
"What now?"

631
00:37:42,139 --> 00:37:44,199
( imitates grandmother )
Chaka Khan stole my sweater.

632
00:37:46,019 --> 00:37:47,280
I know you don't believe me,
son of a bitch.

633
00:37:47,280 --> 00:37:49,250
Fucking shit.

634
00:37:49,250 --> 00:37:52,250
Chaka Khan stole my sweater.

635
00:37:52,250 --> 00:37:55,159
- Who?
- Chaka Khan!

636
00:37:58,219 --> 00:38:00,170
Son of a bitch!

637
00:38:02,010 --> 00:38:05,019
Talk to them, Denzel,
they're your people!

638
00:38:10,130 --> 00:38:12,159
( normal )
And let me tell you this.
People don't want us here.

639
00:38:12,159 --> 00:38:15,289
That is the most insane thing.

640
00:38:15,289 --> 00:38:17,210
To not want Latinos
in the United States.

641
00:38:17,210 --> 00:38:21,039
We do all the jobs
that no one in America
wants to do.

642
00:38:21,039 --> 00:38:23,119
That's what we do.

643
00:38:24,260 --> 00:38:28,139
Who do you think
is rebuilding New Orleans?

644
00:38:28,139 --> 00:38:31,150
Guess.
( mariachi music playing )

645
00:38:37,210 --> 00:38:39,199
( crows )

646
00:38:40,150 --> 00:38:42,119
( music stops )

647
00:38:42,119 --> 00:38:45,239
You know who?
F.E.M.A., that's who!

648
00:38:45,239 --> 00:38:49,000
"Find Every
Mexican Available."

649
00:38:58,179 --> 00:39:00,219
That's right. Us!

650
00:39:00,219 --> 00:39:03,010
Us. Like it or not.

651
00:39:03,010 --> 00:39:04,179
At 5:30 in the morning,
we're working.

652
00:39:04,179 --> 00:39:07,280
We're not at Starbucks
playing fucking sudoku.

653
00:39:10,210 --> 00:39:12,269
You hear what I'm saying?
Everybody loves to play sudoku.

654
00:39:12,269 --> 00:39:15,269
( affected voice )
Oh, my God. This is so good.
A latte, please.

655
00:39:15,269 --> 00:39:19,059
I am transfixed on sudoku.

656
00:39:19,059 --> 00:39:21,219
I am sudoku crazy.

657
00:39:21,219 --> 00:39:24,010
Don't talk to me,
I'm doing sudoku.

658
00:39:26,110 --> 00:39:29,019
( normal )
I guess that's like
novelas to Latino people.

659
00:39:32,090 --> 00:39:34,230
But everything is different now.
I'm 45 years old,

660
00:39:34,230 --> 00:39:39,099
I'll be 46 in April,
and I am old school,
a la madre.

661
00:39:39,099 --> 00:39:41,210
Old school.

662
00:39:44,030 --> 00:39:46,260
The older I get,
the more-- I yearn--

663
00:39:46,260 --> 00:39:49,190
"watchalo," I'ma use
big words. Hey, yearn.

664
00:39:52,170 --> 00:39:54,170
Like Latinos,
we can't go anywhere

665
00:39:54,170 --> 00:39:57,159
and not drink.
I'm sorry.

666
00:39:57,159 --> 00:40:00,030
We must drink.

667
00:40:00,030 --> 00:40:02,070
We must.

668
00:40:02,070 --> 00:40:04,250
And not social either.
We don't social drink.

669
00:40:04,250 --> 00:40:06,039
( affected voice )
Would you like another
chardonnay?

670
00:40:06,039 --> 00:40:08,269
Oh, God, I better not.

671
00:40:08,269 --> 00:40:10,039
( normal )
You wanna see us at our limit?

672
00:40:10,039 --> 00:40:12,010
( gagging )

673
00:40:16,190 --> 00:40:18,289
Get it out, Grandma.
Get it out.

674
00:40:20,090 --> 00:40:23,010
You only turn 87 once.

675
00:40:23,010 --> 00:40:24,219
Get it out. Watch out!

676
00:40:24,219 --> 00:40:26,289
( whistles )

677
00:40:26,289 --> 00:40:28,190
That's my grandma!

678
00:40:29,250 --> 00:40:31,280
Take a picture!
( whistles )

679
00:40:33,059 --> 00:40:35,119
That's my grandma.
She's not gonna remember.

680
00:40:40,010 --> 00:40:42,030
( normal )
Whenever Latinos talk,
we always got some

681
00:40:42,030 --> 00:40:44,050
sound effect with it.
"Hey, last night I went
to this place.

682
00:40:44,050 --> 00:40:46,070
Están las viejas ahí.
( whistles )

683
00:40:48,099 --> 00:40:50,139
( normal )
You know we're in trouble
when we use big words.

684
00:40:50,139 --> 00:40:51,280
"I was dancing right there,
out there like...

685
00:40:51,280 --> 00:40:53,110
( hums tune )

686
00:40:53,110 --> 00:40:55,170
And I was like...
( whistles tune )

687
00:40:56,289 --> 00:41:01,010
And unbeknownst to me...

688
00:41:01,010 --> 00:41:03,269
( stammers )
Hey, unbeknownst.

689
00:41:03,269 --> 00:41:06,059
My lady was watching me
like...

690
00:41:06,059 --> 00:41:07,199
( whistles tune )

691
00:41:14,110 --> 00:41:16,239
I told her, "¿Sabes qué?
That wasn't me.

692
00:41:19,010 --> 00:41:22,139
I tried to talk to her,
bato, she was inconsolable."

693
00:41:25,199 --> 00:41:28,019
We drink and always end up
with a hangover,

694
00:41:28,019 --> 00:41:29,119
but yet still go to church.

695
00:41:29,119 --> 00:41:31,019
That's how
good Catholics we are.

696
00:41:33,070 --> 00:41:37,000
You ever go to church with
the stamp from the nightclub
on your hand?

697
00:41:40,030 --> 00:41:42,179
Use holy water to try
to get it off?

698
00:41:50,070 --> 00:41:52,130
¿Quieres agua? Toma.

699
00:41:53,090 --> 00:41:54,280
I got some Tylenol.

700
00:42:00,280 --> 00:42:04,119
Even when you go
get communion, you can't
walk in a straight line.

701
00:42:21,039 --> 00:42:24,010
And that priest will
smell your breath, he'll be...

702
00:42:35,190 --> 00:42:38,059
You know the perfect
religion for Latinos?

703
00:42:38,059 --> 00:42:40,019
Muslim...

704
00:42:40,019 --> 00:42:42,190
'cause you can go
worship hungover.

705
00:42:42,190 --> 00:42:45,119
You take the little carpeta.
You just...

706
00:42:52,260 --> 00:42:54,269
( snores )

707
00:43:01,119 --> 00:43:04,070
Allah!

708
00:43:04,070 --> 00:43:06,159
A la verga.

709
00:43:15,219 --> 00:43:17,030
I'm all right.
I'm all right.

710
00:43:17,030 --> 00:43:18,090
I'm all right.
Grandma!

711
00:43:18,090 --> 00:43:21,179
( whistles )
She's still there.

712
00:43:24,280 --> 00:43:27,039
And in the old days

713
00:43:27,039 --> 00:43:29,090
I love that women
had pelo down there.

714
00:43:29,090 --> 00:43:31,019
( whooshes )

715
00:43:31,019 --> 00:43:32,269
Bush y pelo.

716
00:43:32,269 --> 00:43:36,059
♪ Pelo, pelo ♪

717
00:43:36,059 --> 00:43:38,199
♪ Pa-pelo ♪

718
00:43:38,199 --> 00:43:41,059
♪ Pelo ♪

719
00:43:41,059 --> 00:43:43,059
( vocalizing )

720
00:43:43,059 --> 00:43:44,219
♪ Pelo ♪

721
00:43:44,219 --> 00:43:47,019
♪ Pa, pa, pelo. ♪

722
00:43:47,019 --> 00:43:48,150
( whooshes )

723
00:43:48,150 --> 00:43:51,199
That shit looked like
you were smuggling
a Commodore.

724
00:43:53,039 --> 00:43:54,130
( whooshes )

725
00:43:55,219 --> 00:43:57,289
And the more hair they had,
the sexier it was.

726
00:43:57,289 --> 00:43:59,250
It'd come out the back.
( whooshes )

727
00:44:01,000 --> 00:44:03,210
Like mud flaps.
( whooshes )

728
00:44:03,210 --> 00:44:07,099
And when it was hot,
the hair would stick
to the legs.

729
00:44:07,099 --> 00:44:09,079
Like flames.
( whooshes )

730
00:44:10,050 --> 00:44:11,260
( exclamation )

731
00:44:13,010 --> 00:44:14,280
I can't wait!

732
00:44:16,099 --> 00:44:18,170
And she had hair
and you had hair

733
00:44:18,170 --> 00:44:22,130
and together that hair would--
( screeches )

734
00:44:22,130 --> 00:44:24,000
And that hair was coarse!

735
00:44:24,000 --> 00:44:26,130
That shit was tight!
It would hurt!

736
00:44:26,130 --> 00:44:28,179
( screeches )

737
00:44:28,179 --> 00:44:30,280
And the whole room
would smell like carne asada.

738
00:44:30,280 --> 00:44:32,110
( screeching )

739
00:44:37,119 --> 00:44:40,010
( affected voice )
I want "fagitas."

740
00:44:42,239 --> 00:44:45,070
Save me a plate.

741
00:44:49,130 --> 00:44:51,010
( normal )
It doesn't look
like it look now.

742
00:44:51,010 --> 00:44:53,039
Now it look like
a dead bird.

743
00:44:56,050 --> 00:44:58,090
There's nothing down there.
( buzzes )

744
00:44:59,090 --> 00:45:01,039
Back in the day,
the only time they shaved you

745
00:45:01,039 --> 00:45:03,150
when you had
your appendix out.

746
00:45:03,150 --> 00:45:04,239
That's it.

747
00:45:06,199 --> 00:45:09,050
And you had to work to find
it 'cause it was so...
( whooshes )

748
00:45:09,050 --> 00:45:10,110
You had to get
your hand in there.

749
00:45:10,110 --> 00:45:11,170
That's why they called it
"snatch"

750
00:45:11,170 --> 00:45:14,090
'cause it might grab--
oh, shit.

751
00:45:14,090 --> 00:45:15,239
Fuck.

752
00:45:15,239 --> 00:45:17,239
Fu-- all right,
I'm sorry. Let--

753
00:45:17,239 --> 00:45:20,050
Shit, my arm. My arm!

754
00:45:23,260 --> 00:45:26,250
You'd be working
and trying to find it...
nothing, huh? Nothing?

755
00:45:26,250 --> 00:45:28,119
Ay!
Oh, shit, what'd I do?

756
00:45:28,119 --> 00:45:31,030
Wha--
I wasn't paying attention.
Which finger? Huh?

757
00:45:31,030 --> 00:45:33,090
Better?
Better or worse?

758
00:45:33,090 --> 00:45:35,219
Better?

759
00:45:35,219 --> 00:45:37,019
Let me--
¿sí or no?

760
00:45:37,019 --> 00:45:38,260
¿Sí... o no?

761
00:45:38,260 --> 00:45:41,019
Yes? No? Maybe?

762
00:45:42,280 --> 00:45:44,059
Ay!
That one right there?

763
00:45:44,059 --> 00:45:46,210
Ay! Ay! Ay!
Ay! Ay!

764
00:45:56,050 --> 00:45:58,230
And you'd get in it, man.
You just be...
( whooshes )

765
00:45:58,230 --> 00:46:01,179
And you be down in there.
( growls, barks )

766
00:46:05,219 --> 00:46:08,059
( growls, barks )

767
00:46:17,130 --> 00:46:19,070
( barks )

768
00:46:22,079 --> 00:46:25,039
And the hair was little,
but when you stretch,
it about that long.

769
00:46:28,179 --> 00:46:30,219
Cochina, cabrón.

770
00:46:32,139 --> 00:46:34,070
And Latinos could eat pussy,
let me tell you that.

771
00:46:34,070 --> 00:46:36,030
We were down--
( growls, barks )

772
00:46:37,210 --> 00:46:40,079
We grew up poor, sometimes
that was the only time
we ate all day.

773
00:46:41,210 --> 00:46:44,289
With a corn tortilla
in one hand. Juice--
( barks )

774
00:46:54,159 --> 00:46:56,230
That's how we did it.

775
00:46:56,230 --> 00:46:58,179
And they even had
hair around the nipple.

776
00:46:58,179 --> 00:47:00,010
That shit-- aye.

777
00:47:01,110 --> 00:47:05,059
Like curb feelers, just long--
ah, shit. Touch me.

778
00:47:09,019 --> 00:47:11,219
It was different back then.

779
00:47:11,219 --> 00:47:15,219
Back then Latinas weren't trying
to be white like they are now.

780
00:47:15,219 --> 00:47:17,199
You know you dye your hair,
don't make me turn all
the lights on,

781
00:47:17,199 --> 00:47:19,139
I'll fucking find your ass.

782
00:47:19,139 --> 00:47:21,170
Bink.

783
00:47:23,039 --> 00:47:27,050
Leave your hair--
cabrona, leave your hair...

784
00:47:27,050 --> 00:47:29,190
the natural color.

785
00:47:32,019 --> 00:47:34,099
Leave it!

786
00:47:34,099 --> 00:47:38,179
No one will ever convince you
for being blond. Please.

787
00:47:38,179 --> 00:47:41,090
You got blond hair
and black fucking arm hair.

788
00:47:41,090 --> 00:47:42,230
That shit--

789
00:47:47,110 --> 00:47:49,050
As soon as you talk,
you'll give yourself away.

790
00:47:49,050 --> 00:47:51,019
( imitates Hispanic woman )
What you looking at, bitch?

791
00:47:52,139 --> 00:47:54,070
( affected voice )
Wait a minute.

792
00:47:54,070 --> 00:47:56,059
You're not one of us,
God damn it.

793
00:47:57,150 --> 00:47:59,280
What's your name? Socorro?
Oh, no, come here.

794
00:47:59,280 --> 00:48:02,039
You're going to
the main office.

795
00:48:02,039 --> 00:48:05,050
Desiree, can you take
"Saccoro" outta here, please?

796
00:48:09,190 --> 00:48:12,260
( normal )
And save your eyebrows.
Quit plucking them.

797
00:48:12,260 --> 00:48:16,170
That shit does not
look good!

798
00:48:18,079 --> 00:48:20,019
Half the girls are clapping,
the other half---

799
00:48:20,019 --> 00:48:22,190
( imitates woman )
Fuck him, man. Fuck him.

800
00:48:22,190 --> 00:48:25,190
You don't know me.
I'm gonna put a Bluetooth on.
I don't give a fuck-- him!

801
00:48:27,090 --> 00:48:29,050
( normal voice )
You're gonna look like
your aunt that's all bitter

802
00:48:29,050 --> 00:48:31,139
with the two lines.
( whooshes )

803
00:48:32,250 --> 00:48:34,289
It looks like she's going
downhill on a bike fast.

804
00:48:44,210 --> 00:48:48,050
That shit does not look good.
I got an aunt that just
uses Sharpie now.

805
00:48:48,050 --> 00:48:49,269
( imitates aunt )
It works better.

806
00:48:52,039 --> 00:48:54,030
You put that Sharpie
and you don't turn your arm,

807
00:48:54,030 --> 00:48:57,110
you just turn your head así.
"Zas," perfect.

808
00:48:59,170 --> 00:49:01,219
You put the Sharpie,
let the ink soak

809
00:49:01,219 --> 00:49:03,239
and turn slowly, "zas."

810
00:49:03,239 --> 00:49:06,250
If you want an "arsh"
you just dip and "zas."

811
00:49:08,019 --> 00:49:09,210
Perfect every time.

812
00:49:09,210 --> 00:49:12,119
I was hungover one day
and I didn't want people
to know,

813
00:49:12,119 --> 00:49:14,230
so I put the lines high.

814
00:49:16,110 --> 00:49:19,170
So I looked awake,
pero estaba más babosa
que la chingada.

815
00:49:20,199 --> 00:49:22,210
But I look awake because
of right there-- like that.

816
00:49:22,210 --> 00:49:25,030
I look surprised,
people would be scared.
( screams ) What?

817
00:49:28,280 --> 00:49:31,030
And I went to a funeral
and I didn't know the man,

818
00:49:31,030 --> 00:49:33,079
and I put them low.
Así, so...

819
00:49:35,159 --> 00:49:38,219
It look like
I was in mourning.
"Aww, so sad.

820
00:49:40,269 --> 00:49:42,289
What a loss."

821
00:49:47,139 --> 00:49:49,250
( normal )
I have an aunt--
I can't say her name

822
00:49:49,250 --> 00:49:51,079
'cause I'll get sued--

823
00:49:53,159 --> 00:49:56,070
You know who it is, cabrón.

824
00:49:56,070 --> 00:49:59,230
She tries to be young.
That train passed.

825
00:49:59,230 --> 00:50:02,190
She's 62 years old
with a belly ring.

826
00:50:02,190 --> 00:50:05,139
That shit looks
like a place to put air.

827
00:50:05,139 --> 00:50:07,050
Like you just sneak up
with the air holes.

828
00:50:07,050 --> 00:50:08,199
( imitates air hissing )

829
00:50:12,050 --> 00:50:14,260
And she wears
a halter top in the summer.

830
00:50:17,019 --> 00:50:20,070
Those chichis look like
two towels hanging on a rack.

831
00:50:30,000 --> 00:50:32,059
And she has four kids.
Let me tell you this,

832
00:50:32,059 --> 00:50:35,019
I couldn't believe
somebody fucked her once.

833
00:50:39,030 --> 00:50:42,269
That's gacho, huh? Yeah,
well, she's not on HBO.
Fuck her.

834
00:50:45,139 --> 00:50:48,230
FTB.
Fuck that bitch.

835
00:50:49,239 --> 00:50:51,199
Should have been nicer to me.

836
00:50:54,030 --> 00:50:56,130
You can't be young,
the time has passed.

837
00:50:56,130 --> 00:50:59,230
Just enjoy your time
and just live in the time.

838
00:50:59,230 --> 00:51:02,179
Don't try to be young.
Be yourself!

839
00:51:04,079 --> 00:51:07,119
She wears a thong!
It's not even in the crack,
it's on the side!

840
00:51:12,059 --> 00:51:15,099
- Put it in the middle!
- ( imitates aunt ) No, I
don't want to get it dirty.

841
00:51:21,159 --> 00:51:25,059
When I put it in the middle,
me siento que me está
rompiendo la panocha.

842
00:51:30,219 --> 00:51:34,039
Latinos are different people.
We're not gonna drive hybrids.

843
00:51:34,039 --> 00:51:36,019
Let me tell you that
right now. That's not--

844
00:51:36,019 --> 00:51:39,070
that's not our style.
We don't give a fuck
about global warming,

845
00:51:39,070 --> 00:51:42,059
the environment,
we don't give a shit!

846
00:51:43,139 --> 00:51:46,039
We don't care if gas
costs $8.00 a gallon,

847
00:51:46,039 --> 00:51:49,110
we're gonna put $11.00
whatever price it is!

848
00:51:51,269 --> 00:51:54,139
And we can't drive a car
that don't make noise.

849
00:51:59,039 --> 00:52:01,150
( affected voice )
I get 65 miles to a gallon.

850
00:52:01,150 --> 00:52:04,000
( normal )
Yeah, but you look
like a puto doing it.

851
00:52:06,070 --> 00:52:07,199
( affected voice )
That's not fair.

852
00:52:08,260 --> 00:52:11,219
( normal )
If we want to conserve gas,
we drive slower.

853
00:52:13,179 --> 00:52:17,090
We need cars--
you ever have a car
that didn't turn off

854
00:52:17,090 --> 00:52:18,289
after you turned it off?

855
00:52:20,159 --> 00:52:21,250
Look at the white dudes.

856
00:52:21,250 --> 00:52:24,000
( affected voice )
No, I never--
I always had a...

857
00:52:24,000 --> 00:52:25,179
certified used vehicle.

858
00:52:25,179 --> 00:52:27,039
( normal )
Look at all the Latinos.

859
00:52:27,039 --> 00:52:28,130
( Hispanic accent )
You turn it off, that car
would be alive.

860
00:52:28,130 --> 00:52:30,059
( clunking )

861
00:52:31,239 --> 00:52:33,079
( normal )
You'd be walking away,
it'd still be jumping.

862
00:52:33,079 --> 00:52:36,090
( clunks )
It'll turn off.
It'll turn off.

863
00:52:41,019 --> 00:52:43,210
When a car don't start
in a Latino neighborhood,

864
00:52:43,210 --> 00:52:46,099
that's when the fun starts.
Everybody's an expert.

865
00:52:46,099 --> 00:52:47,210
( Hispanic accent )
Take that thing off.
Mira, bato,

866
00:52:47,210 --> 00:52:51,130
take the air off
and put gas in the hole.

867
00:52:51,130 --> 00:52:54,099
Put gas in the hole!

868
00:52:54,099 --> 00:52:56,079
In the hole--
mira, cabrón,

869
00:52:56,079 --> 00:52:58,159
put it in the hole!

870
00:52:58,159 --> 00:53:00,170
( affected voice )
Have you consulted
the owner's manual?

871
00:53:00,170 --> 00:53:02,210
( imitates grandmother )
Fucking shit!

872
00:53:02,210 --> 00:53:05,010
Mira, cabrón,
I'm the owner...

873
00:53:07,070 --> 00:53:09,019
and that's Manuel.

874
00:53:19,289 --> 00:53:22,289
Manuel!
Put it in the hole!

875
00:53:25,250 --> 00:53:29,280
( normal )
I live in a neighborhood
that's very white

876
00:53:29,280 --> 00:53:32,139
and I live in the middle
of the street

877
00:53:32,139 --> 00:53:35,250
with a half-built fence
so that they know a Mexican
lives there.

878
00:53:38,170 --> 00:53:41,079
And I don't even use the gate,
I jump the fence when
I get home.

879
00:53:46,159 --> 00:53:49,059
'Cause that's where
the country's going.

880
00:53:49,059 --> 00:53:52,159
39 million Latino people

881
00:53:52,159 --> 00:53:55,250
in the United States.
Million!

882
00:53:58,239 --> 00:54:01,199
And now there's a voice!

883
00:54:01,199 --> 00:54:03,019
39 million.

884
00:54:03,019 --> 00:54:04,059
I don't know how
they counted us

885
00:54:04,059 --> 00:54:05,230
because when you
knock on our door, we hide.

886
00:54:05,230 --> 00:54:07,079
I don't know how that shit--

887
00:54:07,079 --> 00:54:09,000
Don't knock on our door,
we're not gonna answer.

888
00:54:13,289 --> 00:54:15,199
( imitates dog barking )

889
00:54:18,130 --> 00:54:19,289
But you honk, we all run out.

890
00:54:19,289 --> 00:54:21,250
( honks )

891
00:54:25,260 --> 00:54:27,260
( Hispanic accent )
I thought that was my ride, ey.

892
00:54:33,139 --> 00:54:35,179
( normal )
We do the best work.

893
00:54:35,179 --> 00:54:39,070
Cheaper, better, faster.

894
00:54:39,070 --> 00:54:43,210
You understand?
Cheaper, better, faster.

895
00:54:44,280 --> 00:54:48,110
Permits?
Estás loco, fucking permit.

896
00:54:48,110 --> 00:54:51,030
You permit me,
so I'm doing it.

897
00:54:53,190 --> 00:54:55,250
I had to get a circuit breaker
put in my house,

898
00:54:55,250 --> 00:54:58,010
so I hired a guy
with a legitimate, you know,

899
00:54:58,010 --> 00:55:00,010
estimate-- he had a contract,
the lights, and a Bluetooth.

900
00:55:00,010 --> 00:55:02,119
( affected voice )
Hi, can I call you back?

901
00:55:02,119 --> 00:55:05,289
I'm talking to,
you know, "Phil-eye-pee"
or whatever his name is.

902
00:55:05,289 --> 00:55:08,050
Yes, hi, do you want
a circuit breaker installed?

903
00:55:08,050 --> 00:55:10,179
Yes, we'll have to wait
for the inspector to come,
we'll put the box.

904
00:55:10,179 --> 00:55:12,150
Make sure the wire
is the proper gauge

905
00:55:12,150 --> 00:55:15,039
and the insulation
is flame-retardant.

906
00:55:16,199 --> 00:55:19,150
Hey, don't be giving me
retarded ones, give me
the real one.

907
00:55:23,170 --> 00:55:25,280
So I passed on that dude
and I hired a Mexican dude

908
00:55:25,280 --> 00:55:28,010
that showed up
with his wife and kids

909
00:55:28,010 --> 00:55:30,139
all in the front seat.

910
00:55:30,139 --> 00:55:32,099
Nobody in the backseat.

911
00:55:32,099 --> 00:55:34,280
And when he pulled up,

912
00:55:34,280 --> 00:55:36,099
you know what music
was playing?

913
00:55:36,099 --> 00:55:40,079
- Guess.
- ( mariachi music playing )

914
00:55:44,079 --> 00:55:48,099
( hoots )

915
00:55:48,099 --> 00:55:50,179
( music stops )

916
00:55:50,179 --> 00:55:54,159
So he walks up...
first thing he says,

917
00:55:54,159 --> 00:55:57,070
- ( heavy accent )
"Ju speak Engli?"
- ( normal ) I'm sorry?

918
00:55:57,070 --> 00:55:59,280
- ( heavy accent )
You speak English?
- ( normal ) Yes.

919
00:55:59,280 --> 00:56:02,170
( heavy accent ) Okay, me, too.
Fudge your mother, stupid.

920
00:56:10,210 --> 00:56:13,070
( normal )
I think somebody
taught him that and...

921
00:56:13,070 --> 00:56:15,159
told him it was
cool to say.

922
00:56:15,159 --> 00:56:17,050
( heavy accent )
You wanna put a circuit breaker?

923
00:56:17,050 --> 00:56:19,110
- ( normal ) Yes.
- ( heavy accent )
Okay, fudge your mother.

924
00:56:27,070 --> 00:56:29,099
Fuck your dick.

925
00:56:30,090 --> 00:56:33,170
( normal )
Fuck my dick?
Anyways, okay...

926
00:56:33,170 --> 00:56:35,010
I want to put
a circuit breaker.

927
00:56:35,010 --> 00:56:37,000
( heavy accent )
No, you can do it.
You can do. You can do.

928
00:56:37,000 --> 00:56:39,000
You can do.

929
00:56:39,000 --> 00:56:41,199
"Ju" wanna put it in "frong"?

930
00:56:41,199 --> 00:56:43,170
In "frong"!

931
00:56:43,170 --> 00:56:47,090
F-R-O-N-T. "Frong."

932
00:56:47,090 --> 00:56:50,039
( normal )
Oh, in the front. Yes.

933
00:56:50,039 --> 00:56:52,269
- How much is it?
- ( heavy accent )
No, "noshing, noshing."

934
00:56:54,050 --> 00:56:56,159
Give me a case and a half.
( whistles )

935
00:56:58,070 --> 00:57:01,239
( whooshes )
I'll be done like that.
( whooshes )

936
00:57:01,239 --> 00:57:02,289
( normal )
How much is it
going to cost?

937
00:57:02,289 --> 00:57:05,039
( heavy accent )
Nothing.  Mira!

938
00:57:05,039 --> 00:57:07,050
It's not gonna cost you
nothing because, ¿sabes qué?

939
00:57:07,050 --> 00:57:10,050
I'ma connect it to your
neighbor's house.

940
00:57:15,019 --> 00:57:18,010
Si me gusta, sí.
Si no, fudge your mother.

941
00:57:22,289 --> 00:57:24,210
You wanna talk about
illegal aliens,

942
00:57:24,210 --> 00:57:26,030
I think we should look
at the Asian people.

943
00:57:26,030 --> 00:57:28,269
I went to see Cirque du Soleil
in Las Vegas,

944
00:57:28,269 --> 00:57:32,190
motherfucking chinos
can get in a little-ass box.

945
00:57:33,219 --> 00:57:36,119
I think we start
there first.

946
00:57:36,119 --> 00:57:38,159
You gonna go to McDonald's,
order a happy meal,

947
00:57:38,159 --> 00:57:41,050
and 11 chinos are gonna pop out.

948
00:57:45,199 --> 00:57:48,050
He got on my toy
and he rode away!

949
00:57:51,139 --> 00:57:53,190
They say a lot of
the immigrants early on

950
00:57:53,190 --> 00:57:55,099
were Asian, but, you know,
I don't believe it.

951
00:57:55,099 --> 00:57:58,199
I think they were just
Latinos with the sun
in their eyes.

952
00:58:01,130 --> 00:58:03,190
Toma el foto, guey.
Toma el foto.

953
00:58:10,070 --> 00:58:13,269
We don't need blueprints
or schematics

954
00:58:13,269 --> 00:58:16,030
or design,
we do shit by heart.

955
00:58:16,030 --> 00:58:17,230
We do shit by ear.

956
00:58:17,230 --> 00:58:21,110
We don't have measurements.
We're not gonna show up
with a scope.

957
00:58:21,110 --> 00:58:23,059
( affected voice )
Let's see here.

958
00:58:24,289 --> 00:58:29,039
Brian, can you move over
a skosh? Fantastic.

959
00:58:30,139 --> 00:58:32,019
What do we do?
We walk in the yard
in our boxers.

960
00:58:32,019 --> 00:58:33,280
( Hispanic accent )
Where do you want it?

961
00:58:33,280 --> 00:58:35,030
( normal )
We close one eye.

962
00:58:35,030 --> 00:58:37,070
( accented )
More. More.

963
00:58:37,070 --> 00:58:40,039
More. I can see you now.
Mark it.

964
00:58:48,250 --> 00:58:50,130
( normal )
Let me tell you this.

965
00:58:50,130 --> 00:58:54,079
America is the greatest
country in the world.

966
00:58:54,079 --> 00:58:56,230
That's why everybody
wants to come here--

967
00:58:58,110 --> 00:59:01,050
for the American Dream.
That's what everybody wanted

968
00:59:01,050 --> 00:59:03,230
in the beginning,
that's what everybody
wants now.

969
00:59:03,230 --> 00:59:08,000
I am a living example
of the American Dream.

970
00:59:08,000 --> 00:59:10,159
I came from no place!

971
00:59:10,159 --> 00:59:12,059
No mother!

972
00:59:12,059 --> 00:59:14,070
No father!

973
00:59:14,070 --> 00:59:16,250
Nobody in my family
who believed in me.

974
00:59:16,250 --> 00:59:20,219
And this year, my show
will go into syndication.

975
00:59:20,219 --> 00:59:23,239
Syn... dication!

976
00:59:28,050 --> 00:59:32,090
Which means George Lopez
ain't going "nowheres," ey.

977
00:59:40,150 --> 00:59:43,150
And my family always
told me that I would
end up on the street.

978
00:59:43,150 --> 00:59:45,199
"You're worthless, George.
You're gonna end up
on the street."

979
00:59:45,199 --> 00:59:47,050
You know what?
They were right.

980
00:59:47,050 --> 00:59:50,260
I did end up on the street.
On the Hollywood Walk of Fame!

981
00:59:52,070 --> 00:59:53,219
Thank you, America!

982
00:59:53,219 --> 00:59:55,289
Y viva la raza!

983
01:00:13,190 --> 01:00:15,239
( music playing )

984
01:00:24,190 --> 01:00:26,289
♪ All my friends ♪

985
01:00:26,289 --> 01:00:29,059
♪ Know the lowrider ♪

986
01:00:31,070 --> 01:00:33,239
♪ The lowrider ♪

987
01:00:33,239 --> 01:00:36,000
♪ Is a little higher ♪

988
01:00:38,039 --> 01:00:40,090
( music continues )

989
01:00:58,090 --> 01:01:00,269
♪ The lowrider ♪

990
01:01:00,269 --> 01:01:03,110
♪ Drives a little slower ♪

991
01:01:05,079 --> 01:01:07,250
♪ lowrider ♪

992
01:01:07,250 --> 01:01:10,079
♪ Is a real goer ♪

993
01:01:12,059 --> 01:01:14,110
( music continues )

994
01:01:16,269 --> 01:01:19,030
♪ Hey ♪

995
01:01:19,030 --> 01:01:21,079
( music continues )

996
01:01:32,190 --> 01:01:35,010
Thank you very much.
Good night and I love you!

997
01:01:35,010 --> 01:01:37,090
Viva Phoenix!

998
01:01:37,090 --> 01:01:40,050
Viva Oscar De La Hoya!

999
01:01:40,050 --> 01:01:41,289
Viva Carlos Santana!

1000
01:01:41,289 --> 01:01:44,190
Viva Cesar Chavez!

1001
01:01:47,079 --> 01:01:49,130
( music continues )

1002
01:02:06,280 --> 01:02:12,030
♪ Lowrider
don't use no gas now ♪

1003
01:02:13,239 --> 01:02:18,210
♪ The lowrider
don't drive too fast ♪

1004
01:02:18,210 --> 01:02:20,260
( music continues )

1005
01:02:41,210 --> 01:02:44,239
♪ Take a little trip,
take a little trip ♪

1006
01:02:44,239 --> 01:02:48,090
♪ Take a little trip
and see ♪

1007
01:02:48,090 --> 01:02:51,239
♪ Take a little trip,
take a little trip ♪

1008
01:02:51,239 --> 01:02:55,219
♪ Take a little trip
with me ♪

1009
01:02:55,219 --> 01:02:57,269
( music continues )

1010
01:03:09,019 --> 01:03:12,280
♪ Lowrider
drives a little slower ♪

1011
01:03:14,250 --> 01:03:19,230
♪ Lowrider
is a real goer ♪

1012
01:03:21,280 --> 01:03:24,039
( music continues )

1013
01:03:26,179 --> 01:03:27,269
( song ends )